THE FATHER'S PRESENCE

I've been tagged

2008-10-05T20:11:00.000-07:00

I got tagged by Rick at http://www.oldsolar.com/currentblog.php and asked who the five best influences in my Christian faith have been.

The Five Best Influences????

It is tough to narrow it down to just 5.
1. Robert Gaertig, intellectually and organically, for being Grace and one of the most gracious men I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.
2. Rod Rosenbladt, intellectually and organically for teaching and modeling what it is to be a sinner and repentant. He was also my theology professor at Westmont College and at Fuller Seminary.
3. C.S. Lewis, Intellectually for his stories of the Kingdom of God.
4. JRR Tolkein, for the same reasons as Lewis.
5. My dad organically. Probably the most surprising one of them all who is not spiritual or Christian. When I was ten he told me I didn't have to go to church anymore with my mother. Later it turned out that that church made more atheists with its lack of theology and emphasis on a very liberal ideals. He is a scientist and he would kick my a** intellectually when I tried doing apologetics with him.
6. Saturday nights out on the deck with the crew at Rod's house, intellectually and organically.
7. My old English Professor Dr. Arthur Lynip organically. He was a kind gracious man.
8. My Ethics professor Dr. Lou Smedes organically for the same reasons as Dr. Lynip. That's eight sorry I can't say just 5. They all have affected me deeply significantly and thoroughly. I'll tag the good ReverendMe, Dave A., Pat K., Ron H. and Jeremy R.

e-mail: Steve | posted on: October 2, 2008

Honoring Father

2008-06-11T21:16:00.000-07:00

Genesis 9:20 - 25 is the story of Noah getting drunk and lying in his tent naked, Ham walking in and seeing his father. Ham goes out of the tent and tells his brothers about it. When his father wakes up he curses Ham’s descendent's. In essence it’s the description of Ham disrespecting his father. Last week in Sunday school class Chris Rosebrough taught on this passage. Chris taught that Ham got cursed because he was being disrespectful to his father and he acted superior and arrogant. I challenged or wondered out loud to Chris how he got his interpretation out of that passage. I just didn’t see it in the text. I guess the question stuck in the back of his mind because he did more research on the text and he even looked into it in the original language. Looking into the original language was, as it turns out, very informative on several levels. Apparently, in the Hebrew, it says that Ham did not just relay the bit of information that their father was drunk and lying naked, but it was much worse. He was being a tattle tail. He was being superior and arrogant in his attitude as he told his tail. He was being “better than his father” He was being much more "spiritual". As my friend Dr. Rod Rosenbladt says; " when one thinks or knows he’s better than his father it won’t go well with him." My friend Pat Kyle would say “…even if I did beat my father I’d still lose…”.

I think these things are part of Honoring our father. “Honor your father and your mother, that your (P)days may be prolonged in the land which the LORD your God gives you.” It doesn’t go well for those of us who dishonor our fathers or think that somehow we are better than them. It doesn’t go well for us when we realize or we think we are stronger/better. Unfortunately, some of us go there all too often and it doesn't go well with us nor should it.

Huh, Go Figure...

2008-05-07T10:09:00.000-07:00

The more "Modern Science" stuff I read the more the "Modern Scientists" are finding that that once useless creature called "dad" is a little more important than a sperm donation. The following link is one small finding on dad's importance in a kids life. In sum it says dad's state of mind can affect his child's vocabulary. But I over generalize. Dad can't be that important!? Can he????

...huh, who'da thunk it?
http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn13850-depressed-dads-affect-kids-speech-development.html

A Vacation From Mom and Dad

2008-04-15T14:21:00.000-07:00

My son's mother left for Missouri and Alabama last Wednesday to meet with her sister so they could travel "The South" searching out all the places they used to live and play when they were kids. I took the week off to play taxi driver to my son who, while he is working on getting his license, doesn't drive solo yet. I had high hopes and big plans for my son and I spending some time together. I won't put "Quality" time because I know better. My son is 16 and he makes the party debu Taunts of the wealthy seem like shy little turtles. He is very socially active with 2 or 3 little girls chasing after him and one that caught him when he wasn't looking. It makes a dad proud. He has many friends including one that is a really solid guy friend who is well liked by my son's mom and me. Anyway, with plans well in in the books and one excited dad at being able to spend time with his son I got a phone call from my son saying..."uh dad I'm spending the night with Ryan. You don't need to pick me up from school. Ryan and I will just walk. Oh ya and I am spending the night with him tomorrow night, too. Friday night I am working, Sat. is.. and sunday is..." and so on and so forth. I was just a little put out, to say the least, after securing those days off just to...oh well, you get the picture. I started rolling it over in my mind and I realized that sometimes kids need a little vacation from all mom and dad's agenda stuff they want the kid to do. My son is pretty mature about most everything and he really made sure he got to the places he needed to go and do the things he needed to do. I worried a little bit and then let it all go...hearing the words of my friend and former professor saying; "it will be okay, Steve". Low and behold it was "Okay". My son was fine and he did a great job. He is growing up and pushing out of the nest. He is shedding the stuff of childhood, falling down, making mistakes, getting up and doing stuff again until he gets it right. This is the job of a kid. This is the stuff that builds self esteem. Self esteem is not built by telling a kid how wonderful he is all the time. That just builds arrogance. There has to be something behind the praise. There has to be something substantial, like the kid really did something worthwhile. My son took good care of himself even at age 16.

Working Harder Than Your Kids

2008-04-07T17:02:00.000-07:00

There comes a time in your child’s life when mommy and daddy have to quit working harder than there kids. My son has, I believe, reached that age. My son is great and yes I am the very proud papa of my 16 year old son. He is great; he is taking personal responsibility for much in his life, he works, he does his chores, he is respectful…mostly, he pays his debts, etc. He is truly a remarkable kid. So, why am I working harder at his education than he is???? Well, honestly, because I know what will happen if he doesn't get good grades and doesn't get into college, or at least I think I know and I just couldn't let go. It’s not that he can’t do school. It’s that he won’t do school. He's pretty brilliant, even if I do say so myself. He’ll get A’s on his exams and zero’s on his homework assignments because mostly he doesn’t turn them in. We took football away from him this year, last year it was his electronic games, his friends his tv. It did little. I have been re thinking the consequences from us. It seems we are working too hard and he just doesn’t care. I don't think he's moved enough for the energy we've expended. I say no more on the grade thing. I think from now on if he gets a poor grade because he doesn’t want to do his home work. Then so be it. His mother and I sat down with him yesterday. He told us that his homework was pointless and he wasn’t going to do it unless it meant something to him. He would only do stuff that meant something to him. Perhaps, not getting into college and having to struggle daily for daily bread will mean something to him later…then again I have two masters degrees and I have a stupid meaningless job and I struggle for daily bread. I wonder if he is on to something. Maybe he's smarter than I am...

Dad? Naw, I'm so over him...

2007-09-18T18:09:00.000-07:00

As I've said before I am a psychotherapist who does drug and alcohol treatment. The who and the where are not important to this blog right now. As I do this job, trying to get kids and adults to move toward sobriety, it's become crystal clear to me what a psychologist, a theologian and some good friends have hammered into me these last 30 years that "father is more important than you and I will ever know, Steve". An example of the importance of father drove this point home the other day. Below is a note taken from a number of clients that have a particularly bad addiction. I've rolled information from these clients up into one person for anonymity sake. The stories are virtually the same and the reaction to being told about father and belonging are exactly the same. The long term outcomes vary somewhat as they do when dealing with the human psyche but the truth still lies deep in what happened the other day.
…once again J was concerned with the therapist’s opinion and seemed very concerned that the therapist didn’t believe J was clean and sober. The therapist commented on clients concern. There seemed to be some power struggle over whether the therapist believed the client. After finally understanding there was this struggle the therapist stepped out of the struggle by commenting on the client’s process, by stating that the client was very concerned about how important people in his life perceived him. The therapist interpreted that J felt like (s)he was very disappointing to mother and always felt guilty for it. The therapist also interpreted that it sounded like J’s father was not emotionally involved with the client nor had father ever been involved. Client confirmed this by stating that the father was never in J’s life. J dismissed father’s involvement because father had never been involved and J “…just never cared”. The therapist took J to task on father having no impact on J’s life and stated J had been greatly impacted by the lack of father. This therapist told J not to dismiss the lack of father quite so quickly. The client further discounted father’s lack of physical and emotional presence in life until the therapist interrupted and said it’s the father that causes the child to feel belonging. “You have never felt like you belonged, J”. The client immediately broke down weeping.

The idea of belonging is, I believe, innate in each of us. We are social creatures who need to belong somewhere. God created us this way. He says, “…It is not good for man to be alone….” It was the beginning of communion with one another, the beginning of belonging. The Father God gave this to us in the beginning and it is our father’s that give this to us with their voice and presence from before we are born.

On subsequent visits I was able to talk more about father and finding father. There we were disagreements about being able to trust men and father substitutes. There is a deep residing anxiety that is because of a lack of father in these clients’ lives. There is the constant fear of disappointing mother and God. I find this permeates fatherless men and women. There is boundless needless guilt, shame, fear and approval seeking behavior. I have worked with these clients for a while and there is more work to be done. ”…the need for father is more important than you and I will ever know Steve…”

Not so much...

2007-07-11T13:15:00.001-07:00

Whoa! I haven't written anything since February. Time flys when you're having fun. I am caught up in the mundane as life presses on and I must earn daily bread for my boy and me. I've found something very cool between my son and me. We are playing golf. We've played twice this summer and it's been wonderful. He kicks my ass. He hits a longer ball and it's consistently straighter than my shots. That's not all though, what is cool about our time is that we are totally relaxed together. It is a completely non-anxious time of just walking together and being together with out the life lessons...uh or without me vocalizing any life lessons or me vocalizing much of anything. I am quiet except for the occasional attaboys. He is quiet except for the same and for an occasional question or statement about life, school or whatever. I love it. I am totally relaxed with him and he is completely relaxed around me.

Well, that's it for this entry...oh wait there is one more thing. I have two discoveries; one is The Dangerous Book For Boys. This is a must have for every guy, father and son. The other is The 4 Hour Work Week. They are not my discoveries but I have read them. I'm getting them both for my son and myself. Okay, that's it for this time around. See ya in the funny papers.

Wednesday Night Wrestling

2007-02-17T09:13:00.001-08:00

As I've indicated in previous posts my son is 15 yrs old. Like his father, he is not a student in the academic sense although, he could be if that's what he wanted. He is very bright. He is bored with most classes in school. It's not that he can't do the work he get's "A"'s when he decides to sit down and get "A"s, but he is bored. There is little social interaction in class and one has to sit, forever, and listen to some schmoe blab on and on about what seems like useless crap. How do I know this? I use to go to school too and I know exactly what he is going through, at least with regard to that stuff. Anyway, Wednesday night he was at my house spending the night. It was the night before his math test and he had math homework to do. He did not want to do his home work nor did he really want to study for his test the next day and he was bored. I was on the computer and he was bugging me. He was hanging on me, shining lights in my eyes etc. I know, he wanted attention...blah blah blah. No, he was stalling and not doing what he needed to do. He needed to do his homework. He was also challenging dad. He was trying to pick a fight with dad. Which is the point of this post.

My son is at an age where he is in the nietherlands of childhood and adulthood. He is competitive, masculine, independent, bright and he was feeling his "oats". He wanted/needed to challenge dad. He had to see where he stood with me; "Does pop still have the moxie?" It's always a guess as to what the teenage boy is asking for, hell it's always a guess as to what any child is really asking for but as a parent I just gotta pick and go with it. I've guessed wrong once or twice before and my son has proven to be resilient. All kids tend to be surprisingly resilient. Me being anxious and wringing my hands does more harm than good. Oh ya I've done that, too. It did no good. Yep, I've made a lot of mistakes as a parent and I will make a lot more before I'm done. But I digress. Let's see where was I...oh ya, my son full of oats wanting to challenge me and I decided to take him on this time. He threw down the gauntlet and I accepted the challenge. I learned a couple of things. First, I learned my son is very very very strong. Woof. But I also learned that I did the right thing, this time. Sometimes boys just need to know dad is really present and strong.

Sometimes teenage boys are looking for dad to step in and say: "ENOUGH!". Dad needs to be dad and be a hard wall for the child to bounce off of, then the kid feels contained and safe. There is timing in this and there needs to be wisdom and a whole lotta lucky guessing. It's not done every time for most kids and it's not exactly clear when the dad is suppose to take up the gauntlet. So, if you are wondering when your time will come just know it will. And, if you miss it once or twice it will come a bunch more times. So, there is no need to watch for it or be anxious that you've missed the window. Just know that when the time comes it's okay to wrestle.

The actual Challenge took all of about 5 minutes. My son would play, polk and threaten. I asked him if he really wanted to go down the path he was aiming to go down and he polked and pushed somemore. I took that as a yes. So, we got into a wrestling match. Like I said earlier he is very strong but so am I plus I have about 100 lbs on him. He fought hard used all he knew from wrestling and after getting very tired and making me tired he decided; "yep, dad still has what it takes to be dad." He was angry at dad the rest of that night and the next morning. No he didn't do his homework nor did he study. That really wasn't the point of the exercise. He tried to blame me for lack of study saying I kept him from it by wrestling with him. I laughed and he knew he couldn't get away with that excuse either (another test and push). My son's school work is his responsibility and there are natural and imposed consequences if his grades reflect a lack of studying.

He still pokes and pushes and he will continue to do so and I will continue to push back when I think it's necessary but mostly a little less than before. He will be 18 in 2 1/2 years and legally an adult. He will want me to be dad still and I will be dad but it will look a little different than the way it is now. I do it differently than the way I did it before. The whole aim of my job as dad has been and is to get him to find his place in adulthood. I brought him into this world now I owe him his life.

Fathers Catechizing Their Children

2007-01-29T11:11:00.000-08:00

I have a dive buddy who has been Catechizing his daughter since she was still in her mommies womb. Yes, the infant in the womb hears the father's voice (See previous articles). My friend is a pastor who lives in Texas now. His pregnant wife sat church and heard the Word preached so did his daughter!!! Every Sunday daddy put the Word of God into his daughter's ears and it continued even after her birth. When my friend was pastor of a church in Southern California I would go over to his house for lunch or dinner and hear his 2 year old daughter pray and sing blessings over the meals. She had learned parts of the small Catechism and she was saying them at the table. She's been memorizing the Small Catechism and scriptures. He is training his daughter.

The reason I bring up my friends ways of parenting is because I am seeing the results of what he is doing and I like it. I, on the other hand, have not been so diligent in teaching my son. Now, my son is 15 and it is a bit of an up hill battle to teach him. I think it would have been better to teach my son when he was younger.

Fathers, I'd advocate reading scriptures and the Small Catechism to the kids when they are still in the womb. You will form a habit and through out their lives they will be hearing the scriptures. It will make it easier on you and them to learn about Jesus.

Two more things I've learned along the way: (1) I don't expect the child to just know stuff after just one telling. I have learned that there are years of telling. The goal is for the child to know when he is grown up. You are preparing him for adulthood. (2) I have learned not to be too anxious about stuff regarding my child. It's not for me to be anxious and fretting. That tends to be more of a mother thing.

Fathers, I am not saying all of this as law or as a wagging finger. I want to pass this stuff along as stuff I've learned along the way. It's stuff I haven't done well and stuff I am still learning. It's stuff taught to me by a company of men.

2007-01-10T16:09:00.000-08:00

"Hi Jan The View From Her , yep it’s me again. Version 2.0 oh goodie, I just love this kind of dirty talk! I wish I hadn’t gotten sick over the weekend for a couple of reasons but one was to respond to your first post about creativity, boredom and worship.

You make some good points about creativity and connecting with God. You state that boredom is the problem. I think boredom stems from the way we think about Christianity and just what church and worship are supposed to do.

I participated in and worked for Young Life. Young Life leaders worked very hard to make sure kids didn’t get bored. The leaders came up with lots of new and spectacular ways to keep Young Life meetings creative and to keep kids attention. I remember the Young Life leader, when I was in high school, said he would eat a live gold fish if we could double our Young Life club attendance in a week. We did and one innocent gold fish found out what the intestines of one Young Life leader looked like (shudder). Another, leader in a different club got up and said he would shave his head if the club kids would, whatever the challenge was for that year; he went around bald for a while. It was all very creative; the talks at the end were very creative and funny. The kids loved it all and flocked to club meetings. The Gospel was spoken. The focus was Jesus. It was truly a work of genius for getting kids into the faith.

Unfortunately, there were a lot of us who grew up expecting Church to be just as entertaining as Young Life. We wanted church to make us emotionally high, hold our interest and help us emotionally to connect with God. We grew up thinking the only way to connect with God was through feeling connected. The emotional connection was the only way we knew to have meaning in church and not be bored. The camps were designed to give us an emotional connection and a high but, that had to be constantly renewed. If we didn’t feel emotionally connected then somehow we were backslidden. We had fallen away from Christ, which would lead us to another conversion experience. I don’t remember how many times I rededicated my life to Jesus or converted again and again and again. All of it was a lot of work. Whew!!!

Young Life was generally the last time we heard about the work of Christ for us. After that church was all about how we needed to be more like Jesus. The Church had 10 steps, 7 principles, 16 habits and 40 days of purpose to be more like Jesus; the husband, the wife, the business man and whatever…(Sorry but I worked for Focus on the Family for many years and I got a snout full of that stuff). *Much of this doctrine in evangelicalism originated from Erasmus a Catholic Priest/Theologian and a contemporary of Martin Luther’s in around 1524. Erasmus wrote; The Freedom Of The Will. He argued that individuals were saved by a combination of God’s mercy and man's efforts. Erasmus said, the bible was God’s guide to a better life style. Erasmus’s focus was on the need for human effort.

Many of us got lost because we failed. We failed to meet the steps, the principles, the habits and the purpose. We were folks from Focus, from Young Life and many others of us from along the way.

I think here is the crux of the problem. I will define the problem as the objective church vs. the subjective church. Some have put it in terms of the Reformed ( a 500 year format) vs. the Evangelical (the 50 yr format). Some haven’t defined it as impartially. Both sides are guilty of labeling each other more harshly with lots of grenade lobbing at each other. I want to put this discussion in somewhat more neutral terms but it is obvious I want to argue for one over the other. I think the way I’ve labeled the differences are “more neutral”.

The subjective church is about the ministers and/or me doing stuff so we can connect to God better or feel more connected. It’s about us going up to God, notice hands in the air reaching for God, heads and faces tilted up toward God. Even the words and notes in the music are designed to bring out emotion in the worshiper. It’s all done to create mood and “connection” to God. It is a move going up toward God. The preacher’s sermons in the subjective church are basically, “what can I do for God?” “How do I please God?” “How do I become more Christ like?”. “How can I get God to say, at the end of my life, ‘thou art my good and faithful servant’?” (See Erasmus). So, it’s about me making steps toward God. Further, creativity in worship in the subjective church leads to all matter of things besides James Taylor songs for worship. It can go to the ridiculous, such as Old Testament liturgical dance for worship. Bye the way, that was David dancing naked before God. I wouldn’t be opposed to that kind of worship necessarily depending on who was doing the dancing etc. given that I am a healthy heterosexual male, but I don’t think it would exactly help me worship God. Hey, guy here and a sinner to boot. Now lest any of you try to point a pious finger at me you’d better be ready with that first stone, not have a giant log in your eye or be dead, because I am really really good at nailing pious folks to the wall with law. Trust me! (In the most ominous tone I can muster)

On the other hand, the objective church member’s worship has corporate confession, liturgy, hymns, Law Gospel Sermons and the body and blood of Jesus put in their mouth and ears, week after week after week. I know, it sounds pretty boring. But if we are in a historical church of the reformation then we realize or we are supposed to realize, we can not connect to God but He has already connected to us and does so each week. It’s not about what we do or what we do to be entertained. It’s about Christ who has already connected to us. It’s done through the same boring stuff; the liturgy, confession and absolution, the hymns, sermons and communion and they are all done for us. It all works through the Law and the Gospel. The Law and the Gospel are each distinct. They both have different tasks toward the same goal. They are separate but both must be there and in a certain order.

We are confronted with the law in the worship service and in daily devotions. It happens in the liturgy, in the hymns and in the beginning of the sermon. It happens through out the service except at the end of the sermon. That is reserved for the Gospel only. We are supposed to see our failure in spades by the law’s condemning nature. Corporate confessions, the daily readings of the law, the preacher putting the law portion of the Word into our ears each and every service is a mirror to show us our sin and our need for Jesus. The pastor tells us the law and how we have broken each of the Ten Commandments. He reminds us of our duty as Christians and how we should live as Christians. If we are honest with ourselves this condemns us because we realize we can’t even live the good Christian life. We just don’t have the power and we are failures at the principles, the habits, driven purposes, etc. and we know that; “…we are sinful and unclean” and we deserve God’s eternal damnation. This is all in the law portion of the sermon. It’s now that we are ready to have the Holy Spirit drag our sorry kiesters to the Cross-, and for God to connect to us. Then comes the really good news in the Sermon, we are told of Christ’s rescue, Tolkein calls it the U-catastrophe. At the last minute Christ has come in, fought the fight and won the battle for us. As for the emotional subjective stuff I can tend to weep, when the law has really done it’s work and I see my self for the really bad egg I am then I hear the Gospel. But the point is Jesus has already done all the creative connecting stuff for me and to me. Just like He has done everything else for me. Just like the Holy Spirit does all the Sanctification stuff for me. It’s all done for me ‘cause I can’t do it myself. Scripture says I am dead in my sin. I picture a cadaver on a slab. I ain’t moving come hell or high water unless Jesus does it for me.

Jesus fought the fight and brought the whole kit and caboodle to us. He’s connected to us. The connection is all Him, it’s not something the pastor, the music minister, or whoever has created for me.

Let me just say another reasons the liturgy is there is that it protects me from a bad sermon. The liturgy is scripture chanted, sung and or spoken. If the preacher goes awry… Which sometimes happens. If he doesn’t do what he is called to do then there is at least the liturgy. It is scripture both the Law and the Gospel. The mirror is held up and forgiveness is proclaimed.

Well, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

My church does have its 6:23 (Romans 6:23) service on Sunday nights. It’s a bit more for the creative types. There is “worship music” and hymns but the band is in the back of the sanctuary. It’s a little too much for me but the folks that talked pastor into having it are more comfortable there. They all come from the Calvary chapels and such later converting to Lutheranism. It’s still liturgical, sort of…and the pastor preaches a great law gospel sermon. Anyone is welcome.

Bye the bye, there are a few folks who are far clearer about this stuff than me and below are some links that might be helpful.

www.markgalli.com/galliblog/?p=60
www.internetmonk.com
www.surfoutsider.net
www.oldsolar.com/currentblog.php
www.rantingreverend.blogspot.com/2006/06/soli-deo-gloria.html

*Modern Reformation, A Time for Truth, 15th anniversary Issue, January/February 2007. “Was Martin Luther A Born-Again Christian?” Rick Ritchie (Rick Richie is the publisher of his own online magazine and has a blog linked to his magazine.

2006-12-18T11:41:00.000-08:00

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?Egg Nog, you can't get shnockered on hot chocolate.

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just set them under the tree?Santa wraps all but the most special best gift. That one he leaves out for each kid to find.

3. Colored or white lights on the tree and/or house? Both. It's just more magical that way.

4. Do you hang mistletoe? Yes, especially if there is a hot babe there that I can have my way with when she stands underneath it.

5. When do you put your decorations up? When are they suppose to be taken down? This is especially fun when you live in a planned community and the association gets all pissy and tries to fine you for having Christmas decorations up all year.

6. What is your favorite Christmas dish? Sausage and Scrambled eggs on Christmas morning with a really good cup of coffee.

7. Favorite Christmas memory as a child. Playing with my RC plane with my dad after all the other gifts were opened.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? What truth?

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Only when my dad's mom was alive and we would go to her house on Christmas eve and open her gifts to us.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree? When I had a potted Ficus Tree I would sometimes bring that in the house and do some up lighting on it.

11. Snow! Love it or dread it? Love it!!!

12. Can you ice skate? Yes. I skate until my ass is too wet and cold to continue.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? No

14. What's the most important thing about Christmas for you? The magic.

15. What is your favorite holiday dessert? Candy coated Pecans

16. What is your favorite Christmas tradition? Spending the night with all the cousins then waking Christmas morning to the magic of lights and gifts

17. What tops your tree? What tree?

18. Which do you prefer, giving or receiving? I never understood the saying it's better to give than receive.

19. What is your favorite Christmas song? The instrumental rendition of Silent Night by Manheimsteamroller

20. Candy Canes! Yuck or yum? Yum

2006-12-15T16:55:00.000-08:00

Father's War

November 26-December 13, 1950
40 29’N 127 12’E
Chosin Reservoir 30,000 Marines
Holding back 70,000 evil forces
It’s above the 39th parallel
it’s freezing

Jack Frost is no laughing matter
Losing limbs feet and hands to Jacks bite
In the dead night, fighting fear, fighting death
The Marine runs hard;
He drives fast from the Chosin Reservoir.

He’s a hard as nails Marine
He’s a father
He’s a husband
He’s a son
His life and his wife he does not know yet
Running, driving, dragging along
Slogging through mud and snow
With numb feet, weary legs and arms
He stops with calloused hands scoops
wounded Marines into his arms
He adds dead Marines to the GP
His head filled with words, sounds, smells
“…go, get out, run now!!! Don’t stop move, move, move.”
Boom tat tat boom bang boom
Smoke, blood, burned flesh, cries of pain and mommy
Wretch
Drive to safety or burial
Get them all

The Marine protector warrior father husband son man
He is the wounded wild man
The wound hidden deep
Buried in the frost of a war unfortunately remembered
Hopefully forgotten
And
Never spoken.

II

Giant, hard, strong, calloused, Lucky Strike stained smoke scented hands
Marine, Korean War in the Chosin Reservoir hardened
Frightened, pissed
Dad scoops up his son
A 6 year old boy crawling under a rough sawn
Splintered green shooting bench
Collecting shiny gold metal brass casings in front of the yellow firing line
Brass flying from every caliber

guns exploding all around

A white thatched roof on the round old man
Shooting and loading another magazine
A father’s father hardened
From the second European
World War

Gravel clings to a little boys blue jeans and scatters as he flies up
and is ripped up off old, cobbled, hot, poorly laid asphalt
Father’s rough booming voice fills his son’s ears
Guns crack and boom and crash exploding in on everyone
Rounds burst, concussions pound chests
The smell of gunpowder and burgers frying fill the air
The boy’s stomach rumbles and he is afraid, sore and hungry.

Rubbing sore, hurt, red wrists
Cautious, hungry, lusting for more brass and a fried burger
But the boy is safe and won’t cross that yellow line again, no sir
Watching shiny metal capped cylinders fly and crash on the asphalt
He sucks it up he don’t cry
There’s just lust and a watering mouth

III

Father’s hands and arms
Wrap around the weeping 6 year old sobbing body
a little boy caught up in losing
His fringe-thatched, peach-throwing nemesis
Death takes his mother’s father
Death is evil, rough, not kind, not safe, ugly
Death is not part of life it is wounding and life ending.

This father weeps at this death; too
He weeps holding a grief filled boy
Death wounds father and son
It’s silence
Close death buckles those strong protective hands
Death softens them and those hands comfort a 6 year old again
while mother weeps in her bed.

VI

Filterless drag hanging from his mouth
Smoke burning his eyes
Giant calloused, smoke, nicotine, stained hands
Pushing the mower through tall summer’s grass
The sweet smell of fresh summer grass cuttings
Gasoline’s exhaust and smoke silently hanging in the air
Small soft hands gripping pushing the small plastic mower
Closely tracking dad
Imitating father work in father footsteps
What other work does the boy imitate?

VII

Father works, goes to school, holds down a job to stave off the bill collector
Dad’s family’s growing; Boy, Girl, Boy
He needs a bigger house
More lawn more room and
Uh oh, her
Then there’s just more
Isn’t there always just more?

Bills paid every other month
Living on
Casseroles, spaghetti, pancakes, waffles and leftovers
there is the struggle to make it
Father struggles to provide
Silent, wounded

VIII

Father work teaching, raising, protecting a son
Here press the magazine with your thumb
Release the bolt
No!!!
Damn it,
Make sure your thumb is outta the way
Or you’ll lose it
its one smooth motion
There ya go
Now shoot that thing
Don’t worry about it you can shoot
Yup, it’ll kick you some
Hold it tight against your shoulder
It’s rapid fire so shoot

You shoot the .22
The .45 will knock you on your ass
All right, two hands lean forward into it
Hey good job you’re still standing

IX

Images, sounds, stories, smell and touch
Father lessons learned and learning
the boy is a father now
The boy has his own boy
Father wounds are deep
they come from a war that rages to unsilence
Silence

and

to silence the unsilenced
they come from our father’s war
They come from a history of war
And
A war in history
They come from a war of life
They come from the father’s silence
They come from a war of wrongs done and taken
They come from a war of words.

Men of war don’t talk easily
most are silent and wounded
And the wound is passed on to the son
And the son…

Experimenting

2006-12-11T10:31:00.000-08:00

Sorry folks for the sudden termination of The Father’s Presence blogsite. Since, blogging is relatively new to me, all of this has been an experiment. In this case I thought it best to scrap the whole damn thing and go back to the drawing board instead of trying to fix it. Instead of making it all my opinion on stuff I thought I would make my writing more research based where I can cite sources. The blog will still be on Father. A bit will still be opinion and some will be about conversations had at the Saturday night gathering. I will try to find research to back up what I write and if I think it's important enough to say but can't be backed by research I will state that it is opinion and/or anecdotal in nature and/or who said it at the gathering.

I do intend to include poetry on this site but I want to make sure I have written something publishable. I haven't written poetry since I was an English Major in college some 30 years ago. I'm a bit rusty.